cold and broken

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cold and broken

Post  я๏๓คภςє เร คฬร๏๓є on Sat Sep 29, 2012 9:51 pm

you left me cold
you left me broken
and the tears i cryed
has dissapered
i was there
and now im here
and for all whats left
is that you left me here
lifeless and broken
cold and souless
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Re: cold and broken

Post  Zahra the writer on Sat Sep 29, 2012 9:53 pm

Woah woah woah there sissy, that's a little depressing for someone who's always HAPPY

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Re: cold and broken

Post  я๏๓คภςє เร คฬร๏๓є on Sat Sep 29, 2012 10:02 pm

i have hade a lot of pain in my life sissy losing my fam.. is one
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Post  wolfwriter on Sat Sep 29, 2012 10:59 pm

Nice work...Depressing, I understand completely.

If you go to libraryofpoetry.com , they hold a contest for poetry (its free) ive entered, getting published again!
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Re: cold and broken

Post  Zahra the writer on Sat Sep 29, 2012 11:24 pm

When I read it in my head something at the end judge didn't sound right! It had me going for like an hour but now I know, my suggestion is to take out cold and soulless at the end, it'll just sound better

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Re: cold and broken

Post  wolfwriter on Sun Sep 30, 2012 12:09 am

I agree, take out the last line
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Re: cold and broken

Post  Zahra the writer on Sun Sep 30, 2012 7:17 am

I read it in my head again and it still just doesn't sound right. The poem is awesome, it's iuust something at the end doesn't flow... But i don't know what, what about you wolfwriter?

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Re: cold and broken

Post  wolfwriter on Sun Sep 30, 2012 10:26 am

I like it, but I think the third line should have no 'and', then change 'has' to 'have', and to leave the last line, then I think it would sound better Smile
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